


Doing it Wrong

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: I Apologize For This, M/M, Niam - Freeform, this is one of my least favorite works, yet here i am posting it, ziall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-01
Updated: 2014-01-01
Packaged: 2018-01-05 00:29:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1087440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Oh come on Niall, what do you mea-“</p><p>“I don’t <em>know</em>!”</p><p>Niall is startled to realize, a few moments later, that the loud bellow still faintly echoing in the flat emerged from his own lips.</p><p>Zayn seems to catch on even later than him and blinks a few times before leaning forward slightly and peering at him.</p><p>Niall feels exposed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doing it Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> [first posted under my old tumblr handle halosandsongs]
> 
> Reposting from my tumblr. Originally posted November 2012. First attempt at telling a story from one perspective as well as first time writing in present tense.  
> Definitely not among my favourite of my works but here it is. Inspired by the song Doing it Wrong by Drake.  
> I own nothing but my own ideas and I in no way claim that any of this is true.

_When a good thing goes bad, it’s not the end of the world. It’s just the end of a world that you had with one person_

Niall sits on Louis and Harry’s couch, tossing a ball up in the air, catching it and repeating the action. They’ve been waiting for Louis and Harry to bring the pizza for about ten minutes and Niall’s been tossing that stupid red ball for about eight of them. They’re supposed to have some sort of movie night/ sleepover thing (the part about them sleeping over is unspoken but everyone knows that’s how it’s going to end up)

Liam is across town…doing something that Niall can’t quite recall as he wasn’t totally present during their phone conversation. But he does remember that Liam said he’d be there soon( “Give me like an hour, I should be there before you guys actually start the movie. Later, babe”).

And Zayn is sleeping (“Wake me up when they get here yeah?”).

On its way back down, the ball slips out of his fingers and rolls off of his body to the floor. It doesn’t go very far, close enough that Niall could probably get it if he just leaned forward. But instead Niall lolls his head to the side in undeserved (he’s pretty much been sitting on his ass all day) exhaustion.

It’s nearing the evening and the sun is on its way down, that doesn’t stop the portion above the horizon from burning his eyes through the window. He adjusts the position of his head so he can still feel the sun warm his face but doesn’t damage his eyes when he opens them. He stays like that for a while. Just staring into space.

His mind wanders, and he lets it. He daydreams of his days in Ireland, of that one time he almost fell down the stairs in the X-factor house while he was holding a glass of juice and gasped like some kind of fairytale maiden, everybody laughed and he did too. He daydreams of the day he told Liam about his feelings for him. He remembers the way his hands were shaking and his voice kept getting stuck in his throat, the way his brain went into shock for a moment before diving into ecstasy when Liam smiled that smile of his (literally ear to ear) and said he felt the same.

He remembers how the bliss settled into complacency over the months. Niall knows that relationships never stay in the honeymoon phase forever, but (even though he’d never actually utter the words) he was beginning to teeter onto the side of unhappiness. And that doesn’t make any sense because, it’s _Liam_. The fans look at Niall like the concept of sunshine and rainbows were his invention, but he knows that  _Liam_  is really the epitome of comfort and joy in the band.

“When’s this movie thing supposed to start anyway?”

“Huh?” He says as he’s drawn out of his thoughts by a voice.

He turns to find Zayn, hair askew in a baggy t-shirt and boxers. Zayn laughs “You haven’t heard anything I’ve been saying have you?”

Niall screws up his mouth guiltily and Zayn continues as he drops sideways onto the couch perpendicular to his, so they can still face each other. “Don’t worry you didn’t miss much. I was just asking where everybody was and when we were supposed to start. What movie are we even watching?”

“Uh” Niall searches his brain “It’s Harry’s pick tonight.”

Zayn snorts. “So basically it’s Louis’ pick”

“Yeah mate, pretty much.”

Niall turns his head away from Zayn and back towards the window. After a few minutes he feels Zayn’s eyes land on him, assessing. Niall doesn’t blame him, this would usually be when Niall would fill the room with mindless chatter, and Niall’s current thought induced silence is foreign.

…

“Three Large pizzas, one meat lovers, one cheese, and one veggie”

Niall hears Louis’ voice from the doorway some undetermined amount of time later (time moves differently when you’re thinking, Niall's noticed).

He turns toward them and offers a smile, to which Louis smirks and Harry grins.

“All we’re missing now is-“Harry begins but pauses when Liam steps into the flat, “never mind. He’s here”

“Sorry I’m late,” Liam says, actually looking sorry.

“It’s alright. Hey guess what we’re watching?” Harry smiles “Miss Congeniality!” he waves the DVD case around.

Louis snickers as Zayn groans “My God, Lou!”

“Why are you yelling at me? It was Harry’s pick” Louis attempts to look innocent. Zayn only rolls his eyes as he makes his way to the fridge to pull out some drinks.

“Hey.” Liam smiles and settles down next to him on the couch.

“Hey.” Niall smiles back. Missing the sensation of butterflies that seemed to have disappeared (maybe they migrated, laughing at his own lame joke, his smile grows more genuine)

“If you’ve noticed, Haz and I got another long couch, so no one ends up banished to the floor while those two cuddle” he juts his chin toward where Niall and Liam are seated.

“But,” Harry pipes up, “Zayn’s still sitting on the single ‘cause me and Lou are going to use the other one.”

“Sorry, Haz.” Louis looks unapologetic as Zayn smirks. “Zayn already called dibs on me as cuddle buddy tonight”

Harry pouts as he grabs his pizza, snatches his drink from Zayn and settles into the single arm chair.

After they’ve all got slices on their plates and drinks in their hands, Louis pops the disc into the Bluray player and Zayn supports himself on one arm, waiting for Louis to take a seat next to him so he can settle into his friend’s chest.

Niall does the same with Liam by reflex, but he’s a little more interested in getting up to get more pizza throughout the movie than actually staying in his boyfriend’s arms. He knows it isn’t supposed to be like this. He knows that there was a time when he would ignore his protesting bladder for hours, just so he wouldn’t leave Liam’s embrace.

It seems the others are confused as well, Louis raising an eyebrow at Niall every time he gets up, Harry surveying Liam’s face over Niall’s shoulder (he’s almost certain that Liam’s making that face where he forces his eyebrows together and doesn’t look anyone in the eye) and Zayn spares glances at the both of them.

He really wishes they’d just focus on the damn movie and stop drawing attention to the shift in him and Liam’s behaviour. He worries about it enough, and he doesn’t need their concern on top of that.

…

They’re all in a bar, Liam and Louis are dancing, Harry’s chatting up a petite redhead, Zayn’s playing wingman and Niall’s fighting with the thoughts that continued festering.

“For the most carefree mofo in the world, you look wrecked.”

He turns to his left and finds Zayn looking at him, eyebrows raised in question but with a slight smile.

“Yeah well” he smiles, not quite addressing Zayn’s comment and brings his beer back up to his lips.

Zayn looks hesitant as he speaks again.

“How’s Liam?”  he says quietly.

Niall is just as careful in his answer. Not giving the information he knows Zayn is fishing for. If he wanted to get something out of Niall then he would have to go through the painfully awkward task of actually asking.

“Liam’s fine.”

Zayn seems to mull over what Niall has just said and Niall hopes he’s discouraged him. But apparently not, because Zayn takes a deep breath. “How are  _you_  and Liam, like your-“

Niall hops off the bar stool and shoves his phone in his pocket. “I really don’t want to talk about this right now.”

…

Later in the night as Niall reaches for his phone to set his alarm before he goes to bed, he sees a text from Zayn. His fingers hover over the screen before he opens up the text.

**From Dj Malik: Just know that you can tell us anything ok? Whatever’s on your mind, whenever you’re ready. We’re here**

…

“Niall. Are you serious?”

Niall halts on his way to their toilet and turns to find Liam narrowing his eyes at him.

“What.” He tries his best to keep the venom out of his voice

Liam rolls his eyes “You know exactly what.”

He sighs. “I really don’t. Seems everything I do now is a problem for you,” he mumbles the last part.

Liam sighs, calming himself down “Look it’s been a hard day for both of us. Just, I don’t really want to have to be picking up after you. Can you pick up your socks please.” Niall notes how he tries his best to keep his voice leveled.

“Oh my God, Liam. Can I at least take a piss before you start nagging me?”

“I’m not nagging, I’m just asking. You know how much I hate picking up your socks all over the flat and I know you noticed it. You took them off, threw them on the floor, stopped,  _looked at it_ , and kept going.”

The last part is true, Niall knows. After throwing them he stopped, thought about how much that would probably piss Liam off, and left them there anyway. He just doesn’t  _care_ , and he should. He knows he should.

So he doesn’t address that part in his answer.

“No one  _asked_ you to pick up after me Liam!”

“Well I’m not having this place a mess for no reason other than you’re too lazy to pick up a pair of goddamn  _socks_!”

“Whatever,” Niall huffs as he comes back to where Liam is standing, puts his socks in his shoes by the door and turns to go to the bathroom without acknowledging Liam’s presence.

 

_And they’re the reason it happened, but they’re overreacting and it’s all because they don’t want things to change_

And Niall knows that none of this is really Liam’s fault, the petty fight they just had, this weird limbo in their relationship (at times Niall is scared he might be the only one who feels it but Liam’s eyes don’t light up the same way either). But he needs someone to blame.

He attends to his bladder’s needs before trotting into their shared bedroom and lying down as far to the right of the bed as he can without falling off the damn thing.

…

“Alright, take five.”

The sound of their choreographer’s voice echoes through the rehearsal space. Niall wipes the sweat from his brow before deflating by the end of the stage. They don’t really dance, but they have to make up for it in a lot of high energy jumping around. It can be quite exhausting.

His sweat pants slide up over his ankles as he sits, looking rather awkward but he’s too tired to care. After a few moments of labored breathing he feels someone sit next to him. He sees a pair of grey sweatpants next to his own dark blue and recognizes it to be Zayn.

The other boy doesn’t say anything for a couple of minutes, only accompanying Niall’s breathing with erratic breaths of his own. (It kind of sounds like a breathy version of the first time Niall tried to play drums, mismatched and offbeat)

“How are you?” Zayn finally says (Niall sure wasn’t going to say anything).

“I’m alright.”

Zayn draws his lips together in a tight line before speaking again. “You’re not. And we’re going to talk about it today,” he states as if it is fact and nothing can be done to change it.

“We’ve only got five minutes” Niall says instead of a flat out refusal.

“Well we’ve got lots of time after rehearsal is over.”

Now Niall can feel Zayn looking at him, their conversation having been done without facing each other up until that point.

“Fine” Niall says. (So maybe it  _is_  fact, and maybe nothing  _can_  be done to change it. Zayn usually doesn’t give up when he gets like that anyway)

Zayn nods, more to himself than to Niall and hoists himself up from beside Niall and makes his way over to where Louis is (he doesn’t turn around, he can tell by the exaggerated ‘Vashappenin’s)

Soon their five minutes are up and it’s back to the synchronised chaos that is their choreography.

…

When the session is over Zayn sends him a loaded look that tells him ‘don’t fucking move’ before jogging over to where Liam is.

They have a brief conversation that Niall can’t quite make out the words of. But Liam looks vaguely disinterested and Zayn seems a little confused.

Zayn jogs back over with his eyebrows reaching for each other. Niall raises his own in question as to what just happened and when Zayn finally looks up at him he answers.

“Oh, I just went to let Liam know I’d be stealing his boyfriend for the night.”

Ah. Niall understands the confusion now. Zayn told Liam, and Liam didn’t really care. Niall doesn’t resent him for it, he would have reacted the same.

“He was really chill about it.”

Niall nods and sticks his hands in his pockets, playing with the loose seams as they walk out of the building. He’s heading toward the parking lot when Zayn’s voice halts him.

“Wait.”

He turns around.

“I’m starving mate, can we pick up a pizza before we head to my place.”

Niall keeps his straight face before breaking into a grin, as if he would turn food down. Zayn knows too because his nonchalant facade is crumbling soon after Niall’s, a playful smirk gracing his features.

They jaywalk (more like jayrun) across the street and the first thing they see is a Tesco and Niall’s about to ask Zayn if he maybe needs some real glasses as opposed to that hipster shit he wearsbecause this is by no means a pizza place, but then he notices that Zayn’s already running in front of him and disappearing behind the Tesco’s.

Niall rolls his eyes and follows after him, it’s actually pretty good he left when he did because Zayn’s disappearing behind a lot of shit. He eventually catches up to the boy and finds him leaning beside a door with a playful ‘What took you so long?’ face before he opens the door and allows Niall to step inside.

“How did you find this place, mate?”

Zayn laughs at the memory “During one of me and Lou’s drunken hide and seek games.”

Niall shakes his head at his friends’ antics but being honest, it’s part of why he loves them.

Zayn nods. “It’s true. I ended up having to cab it home that night but I also found Crusty’s Pizza”

Before Niall can laugh at Louis’ traitorous act and point out the fact that nobody seems to be in the small pizzeria, a lanky teenager surfaces from behind the mural that Niall didn’t know had a door.

Zayn notices the kid, who can’t be older than sixteen, and smiles

“Hey Ty, I thought Deuce did the night shift”

The boy, now dubbed ‘Ty with the skinny tie’ in Niall’s mind shrugs noncommittally and says “We switched.”

Ty with the skinny tie smiles and moves to the cash register. “What can I get you guys?”

“Medium cheese please.”

Niall takes his hand out of his pocket to tug on Zayn’s sleeve. The boy turns around with a quizzical look then smiles before turning back to the register

“I mean large cheese.”

Ty looks between the two of them and laughs, muttering “Guess the magazines were right about that appetite,” before disappearing behind the mural door.

The boys head to the back table to wait for their food. Pulling his chair out Niall says “Guess teenage girls freak out more to seeing us than teenage guys.”

Before Niall can clear up that he totally didn’t mean that in a pervy way, like he wants teenage boys to want him or something (he isn’t like that) Zayn replies “No trust me the first night Deuce, the other kid, tried acting chill while he got me to sign something for his girlfriend. It was actually pretty funny. They’ve gotten comfortable now. Even a little cheeky!” Zayn yells at the end so that he can be heard in the kitchen. A muffled chuckle is his only reply.

They stay silent for a few moments, Niall dreading the questioning that is sure to come.

“Relax” Zayn’s voice snaps him out of his trance “I’m not going to air it all out in a pizza joint. Your interrogation won’t begin until we get back to my place.” He tries to make light of it and it kind of works because it’s not like he has anything to hide (except he still feels nervous).

Niall veers the discussion into another direction, Zayn surely notices but he allows it and contributes amicably.

…

Twenty five minutes and a heavy tip later, Niall and Zayn are entering through the revolving door of Zayn’s complex.

Niall supports the still warm pizza with the tips of his fingers while Zayn fumbles with the keys. When Zayn finally gets the lock to cooperate the boys stride into his flat.

It’s pretty neat, Niall has to admit. Of course it’s got the stray plates and lager bottles scattered around. But overall it’s got a tidy but lived in feel. Niall likes it.

“You’ve cleaned up,” Niall voices his observations.

“Well it’s been a while since you’ve been here, man.”

Niall feels a little guilty because it’s true. He’s kind of been shutting his friends out. He doesn’t mean to, it’s just, he doesn’t know what to  _say_  anymore. And it’s not supposed to be like that. They’re supposed to mesh, these five parts that shouldn’t quite fit but some stubborn person shoved it all together anyway.

Zayn seems to notice his inner workings because he punches Niall’s shoulder playfully. “It isn’t a problem, fam” shoves some papers on his coffee table off to the side “Now can we eat please?”

Niall breathes a relieved sigh and walks over to where Zayn is. The coffee table isn’t quite tall enough for them to sit on the couches and eat from the box comfortably so the boys sit cross-legged on either side of the piece of furniture, backs leaning against the sofas.

“Ok, now spill,” Zayn says.

Niall’s bite of pizza suddenly seems too big and it hurts to swallow it.

“I don’t even really know what you mean,” Niall eventually says. It’s true, all Zayn’s been saying is “something’s wrong”, that’s pretty vague.

Zayn raises a dark eyebrow before answering “Okay” and crossing his arms over his chest. “Well you and Liam have been really pissy lately.” His gaze gets more serious now “And  _you_ seem to have disappeared altogether”

Niall avoids the first part of Zayn’s statement “I know I haven’t been hanging out with you guys as much, and I’m pretty sure you already said that it wasn’t a problem…fam.”

Zayn flashes a sarcastic smile at Niall’s dry humor “I don’t mean like that” Niall’s face is blank as Zayn continues. “Like yeah, you aren’t around a lot. But when you are, it’s still kind of like you’re not really  _there_  you know?” Zayn sighs and his too big shirt slides down momentarily to reveal sharp collarbones “You just seem like…sad. And it’s not like you. So just tell me already,” he jabs the end of his pizza at Niall as a pseudo threat.

What’s wrong?

What  _is_  wrong?

It’s not like Niall can pinpoint a certain event, a certain point in time, a certain anything and say “There, that, that is why everything sucks.”

He and Liam just weren’t clicking the way they once did. Deep down, there’s something in there that knows he loves Liam, Liam’s great, but it’s like everything the Wolverhampton boy does gets on his nerves.

Some days Liam’s entire personality is just so grating to him that he can’t even understand it himself. He still doesn’t understand it.

Why they’re falling apart the way that they are. First fraying at the edges, then watching in despair as the seams come apart.

So what’s wrong?

Well he doesn’t quite know.

“I don’t know.” He speaks in a voice barely above a whisper, still not totally free of his dreamlike state.

“Oh come  _on_  Niall, what do you mea-“

“I don’t  _know_!”

Niall is startled to realize, a few moments later, that the loud bellow still faintly echoing in the flat emerged from his own lips.

Zayn seems to catch on even later than him and blinks a few times before leaning forward slightly and peering at him.

Niall feels exposed.

He squeezes his eyes shut and feels Zayn settle onto the carpet next to him. Niall doesn’t know, he doesn’t  _know_. He just finds that he couldn’t care less about a lot of things, it all feels monotonous and it’s driving him fucking mental.

Niall wipes at his eyes furiously (and presses a little too hard telling by the colored spots he’s seeing) because he’s not going to fucking cry on Zayn’s carpet.

Zayn’s arms wrap around his shoulders and Niall’s stomach feels tight from the sobs he’s suppressing (he’d better get some abs from this, he tries to cheer himself).

 _Nothing’s working, we’re not working, I want us to work_  , he chants in his head.

“You will, it’ll all work out just give it time,” Zayn chants back and okay maybe it wasn’t in his head after all.

…

He wakes up on Zayn’s couch surrounded in a cartoon covered blanket to the smell of overdone toast.

He feels lighter

…

They’re on the tour bus with quite a long drive ahead of them. They’re mostly lazing around, bored but too lazy to do anything about.

Harry and Louis are on the loveseat poking each other half heartedly, Liam’s got his Beats on and is bopping his head along to something that Niall can’t hear on the singular couch across from Niall’s own beanbag and Zayn’s playing with his phone.

Niall raises an eyebrow when Zayn’s head snaps up as if he’s been struck. The confusion spreads from his face to Harry’s when Zayn runs to the back of the bus where their beds are and reappears with his laptop and a black cable.

By the time Zayn sits back on the table and starts typing and clicking away everyone is a little curious (except Liam still seems to be lost in his music or something) but the dark haired boy pays them no mind.

In a minute or two Zayn’s hopping off of the table and moving towards the TV. Niall’s not quite sure what he’s doing since they don’t get any channels and they forgot their DVDs at the last hotel (Louis fault obviously).

Zayn plugs one end of the cable into his laptop and the other into the TV, flashing Niall a grin before turning the TV on and clicking play.

The screen shows what looks like a cab and he hears the gruff voice of a taxi driver.

The scene looks familiar and  _oh_ …Zayn remembered. Except wait no. Niall doesn’t remember telling him.

As the routine starts, (“Oh he’s gon do Troy and Abed and I’m just like ‘Dicks, dicks, dicks’…”) Zayn crawls over from where he had set his laptop to Niall’s beanbag. Lying down and propping his elbows up on the cushiony sack, Zayn cranes his neck up to where Niall’s ear is.

“I had heard you telling Lou about it.”

Niall turns his head to look at Zayn but Zayn’s head is still pretty much hidden behind him so he really just gives a surprised face to Zayn’s shoulder.

Niall remembers that. The day after it happened he had run to Louis (if you look at them now, you’ll think Zayn would be the one Niall would tell that kind of stuff to but back then Zayn was still his mate but they didn’t talk about like…feelings and stuff. It actually hadn’t really started, the talking about serious stuff along with their usual foolish antics, until three weeks ago after some cheese pizza).

It had been about a month after they, him and Liam, became official. They hadn’t really got to do much but give each other secret smiles and snog a little since they were always either in public or too bloody knackered to do much else.

But that particular evening they had the day (and the next day) off. The hotel suites they were staying in had this awesome TV setup where they could browse the internet on it.

Niall had been cruising aimlessly and watching random videos when Liam slipped in. He and Liam were sharing, Zayn and Harry were sharing, Louis had wanted his own room that time and Danielle had her own room (for obvious reasons. The fans could think Payzer was getting it on while Danielle visited but everyone who mattered knew that wasn’t the case).

Liam had toed off his trainers and slipped in beside Niall. Niall grinned at him briefly before clicking the related video.

Turns out it was a stand up comedy show and not a Weird Al Yanchovic video (which Niall would have known if he had read more than the first 5 letters). But he and Liam spent the next hour laughing hard and holding hands under the blanket.

It was pretty significant for Niall, even though they didn’t do anything much it was the first couply thing they’d done as an actual couple. So of course he couldn’t stop himself from gushing to Louis about it the next day (“It was brilliant, Lou”).

It became their first ‘thing’ and they watched it a few more times together, though the next time they spent a lot less time actually watching the video. (“Let’s watch Weirdo again Li” “If you wanted to snog you could just say so, no need to hide behind the comedy” “…okay let’s”).

Niall shakes his head at Zayn’s efforts and out of his thoughts. The boy has made it his personal mission to repair Niam (Zayn’s words not his).

But whatever, it’s still kind of a nice thing to do and he hasn’t watched this thing in ages.

About 25 minutes into the show Niall finds himself mouthing the words “Oh I’m sorry, this person’s a demon” and when he looks over he finds Liam doing the same. They meet eyes and Niall barks out a laugh as Liam chuckles.

…

When they’re heading off to bed Zayn gives him a smug smile, obviously feeling accomplished, and Niall mouths “Idiot” at him before he disappears to the back of the bus.

…

Things get a bit better after that Niall thinks. For the next couple of weeks he and Liam are okay again and they over compensate for the sour past few months with cheesy grins and borderline filthy trysts.

Zayn’s overjoyed, smiling and giving a thumbs up whenever Niall and Liam do anything remotely romantic. He’s like those teenage Niam shippers he sees occasionally, picking out romance from the most minute of actions. (Said shippers have actually been doing a pretty bang up job of overanalyzing a relationship they don’t know actually exists. What he’s saying is that they noticed he and Liam’s ‘falling out’, if you could call it that)

 

_We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together_

But soon he feels the falsity of the fire and it’s back to feeling forgotten (he’s had the same thought long enough to find a way to word it that features alliteration…fuck). And he’s really trying, they both are. He’s found that things don’t seem to fall into place for them the way they used to.

 

_But we sure make it feel like we’re together, ‘cause we’re scared to see each other with somebody else_

But then sometimes (the days where he feels truly desolate) he tries to imagine life apart. And he honestly doesn’t like it. As lost as he feels now, there are still some clear facts (Niall is a member of a boy band. Niall is dating Liam Payne. Niall is close friends with his other bandmates). In a world where LiamandNiall aren’t a thing, well he doesn’t know (Niall sings and is interviewed with 4 other people. Niall is not dating Liam Payne. Niall is tentatively addressed by his other bandmates).

He isn’t sure how he would handle seeing Liam with someone else, even now. He’s not sure how he would handle being alone. (He doesn’t want to be alone. He feels like he is most of the time, but he knows he’s not. He doesn’t know what he’d do if he actually was)

And Zayn notices (of fucking course he notices). He seems to be noticing a lot and Niall wonders when the hell that twat decided to be observant. He doesn’t do much at first, just the occasional questioning look or an offhanded remark. Both of which Niall swiftly dismisses shut eyes and a shake of the head.

Those are soon inadequate for the dark haired boy and all of a sudden Niall feels as if Zayn’s always hovering around. If he cared a little more he’d probably tell the boy to stop being so bloody nosey (but he appreciates it a lot more than he lets on so he doesn’t). He draws Niall into another interrogation, more like tricks really (“I thought you said all of the lads would be here” “Yeah well, I lied”), and Niall rants once again (though with decidedly less tears).

Zayn kind of lets him off the hook after that Niall thinks. He doesn’t ask about it, doesn’t give Niall any special attention (it’s strangely hollowing but he’d never actually let that thought fully form) and things are normal. Well the new normal (the one where Niall doesn’t have a spring in his step, the one where Liam fakes smiles more than Louis, the one where Zayn turned into some kind of mama bear).

But then one night they’re getting ready for a concert. It’s still a couple of hours away but they’re in the green room of the stadium, half rehearsing and half mucking about (okay maybe mostly mucking about). Liam kisses his cheek before running to his dressing room to retrieve something that Niall should know but can’t think of now (he’s doing a pretty shit job of this boyfriend thing) and it’s all very relaxed **.**  Niall’s still lounging on the couch, Harry’s still taking pictures of things and Zayn and Louis are snickering about something that Niall reckons he’s too mature to find amusing (or in too rotten a mood, it’s a tossup).

He gets up to go grab something from the fruit basket set up for them (tapping his fingers on the arm of the couch is getting monotonous) and then Liam’s grinning and bounding up toward him and wrapping him in a bone crushing hug.

“You’re the best babe, honestly.” Liam murmurs into his neck. Niall is still confused but he tentatively wraps his arms around the boy in front of him.

His eyes are still wide and bewildered when Zayn pauses his conversation to look over at him and Liam and smiles.

His stomach seizes and in that moment he prays to every deity he can think of that the jolting feeling didn’t stem from what he thinks it did. Because that would be bad. Very, very bad.

‘You’re welcome’ Zayn mouths (Zayn’s mouth is pink, like really pink) to which Niall replies with a mouthed ‘What did you do?’

Liam pulls his head up and gives a short laugh, releasing his hold before running to pester Harry. Zayn must know that Niall’s about to come and question him because he holds up the ‘one second’ finger to Louis as the crimson trousered boy sighs.

Niall sets his mouth in a straight line as if to reiterate his initial question.

“Relax Nialler, I just gave him a gift…and I put your name on the card.”

Niall groans “And just  _why_  would you do that?”

Zayn’s face grew more serious as he tilted his head “Because, you guys have been acting weird again. Liam’s been doing that thing where most of his smiles look fake and you’ve been doing that thing where you disappear.” The dark haired boy looks down now “I was just trying to help, but you’re right, I shouldn’t be getting so involved in your business.”

“I never said that.”

“Yeah well, you’re thinking it.”

Niall rolls his eyes as he watches Zayn start to settle into a sulk.

“Oh  _please_  do not pull that shit on me right now.”

Zayn brings his head up, still brooding of course, and gives Niall a challenging ‘what shit?’ look. Zayn knows full well what shit.

“At least tell me what you got him so I’m not totally lost,” Niall murmurs.

He watches with fondness as Zayn’s face lights up, all pretense of sulking forgotten. “Okay so I was at high street yeah?-“

…

So Zayn’s back to being everywhere again, always checking in on him, doing stupid shit to try and ‘get him out of his funk’ and yeah it can be a little much at times but most of the time it’s just nice.

Makes him feel special.

And he feels a little spoiled at that thought. The fact that millions of girls call him ‘their special little snowflake’ and his boyfriend tries his best to make him feel like he is and it’s a daft dark haired boy pulling a face that makes him feel like maybe he _is_  special.

Boyfriend.

The word weighs down on his shoulders because yeah, that’s still happening. It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair on him  _or_  Liam really. Yet they keep trudging on with it.

He just manages not to step in a puddle as he enters through the sliding doors of their apartment building. Apart from the wadded up receipts in his pocket, Niall holds a new resolve as he opens the door to their shared flat.

He’s going to end it.

It’ll be hard, he knows. But he thinks that continuing on the way they are, allowing whatever’s happened to them to eat away at them the way it is, well that seems like the greater evil.

He shuts the door behind him and inhales deeply as he toes off his shoes and exhales roughly through his nose when he tucks his socks into his shoes.

“Liam?”

He hears a muffled sound from the den and steps gingerly to where the other boy is sprawled on the couch. Niall rubs his sweaty palms on his jeans as he sits down.

“C-can I talk to you?”

The shaking in his voice makes the task ahead seem more daunting but he knows he has to do it.

“Yeah, just a sec” Liam turns of the telly and turns his full attention to him, brown eyes imploring.

Well, he thinks he has to do it.

“I w-I was just thinking about…like us”

Liam blinks but allows Niall to continue and shit that’s Liam isn’t it? Niall’s flustered and his face is probably red as a tomato but Liam just waits.

He feels incredibly stupid and selfish and self absorbed because Liam’s always waiting for him.

The least Niall could do is wait for Liam. This one time where it might mean more than anything.

“You mean a lot to me, Liam”

That’s the only thing he can think to say because it’s one of the few things he can honestly say (and well he hasn’t spoken in like 4 seconds straight and when you count it out with the ‘Mississipi’s that’s quite a while)

Liam’s eyebrow quirks slightly but then he allows a soft smile.

“I know that, Ni. You didn’t have to interrupt Regular Show for that” he laughs and Niall chuckles nervously along with him.

“Yeah…just wanted to say it special” Niall says as he gets up again and starts to head down the corridor.

Just wanted to say it special? What kind of idiot even says that?

“Hey,”

Liam’s voice stops him in his tracks and he turns around

“Love you,” the brown haired boy says with a smile

Niall hesitates  before he lets the words “Love you too” tumble out.

And they leave a sour taste in his mouth because it’s a lie and he knows it’s a lie. He  _does_  love Liam, he does. Just not in the way that Liam thinks, not in the way that he  _should_.

…

They go back to their nearly seamless faking once again. They don’t lay on the cheese quite as thick as they did the first time they found themselves caught in one of Zayn’s ‘fix Niam’ schemes but it’s there. Bright and artificial as if out of a spray can.

They’re at Louis and Harry’s for another movie night except no one even bothered to pick up a movie and they aren’t even doing anything collective really. They’ve busied themselves with other activities but it’s still comforting to them. Just knowing that the others are there, that’s what they really come for.

Niall’s quite certain that Zayn’s gotten bored of taptap since everyone in the room can hear the fast paced song and Niall only hears Zayn tap thescreen about once every 5 seconds.

“Just save the battery and turn it off,” Niall mutters, not looking up from his own laptop.

Zayn’s head snaps up and he pushes his hair out of his eyes, (so naturally) Niall’s own eyes drift up to meet his.

“Fine,” he says as he switches off the device.

Niall tries to go back to his browsing but a second later Zayn’s voice breaks the near silence.

“Entertain me then,” he says as he smiles and stretches out against the chair to poke Niall’s leg with his socked toe.

Niall rolls his eyes and suppresses a smile “I’m clearly busy.”

Zayn shakes his head in disbelief “And just what are you doing?”

“Trying to find some new Supras,” he replies without looking up

“You’re ignoring me for shoe shopping?”

Niall barks out a laugh “You’re making it sound a lot girlier than it is man”

Zayn huffs “Come  _on,_  Ni, I’m bored out of my mind”

“Take a nap.”

Zayn narrows his eyes at him “You know full well that I just woke up like two hours ago”

Niall raises and eyebrow “So?”

“Ha ha very funny. You know I can’t sleep when I get like this.”

“I thought you just” Niall lowers his voice and throws on a dopey look, imitating Zayn in an old interview, “fall asleep all the time”

Zayn says nothing for a beat before he casts himself back onto the couch.

Niall tries to focus on his laptop screen, he really  _did_  want to find some new shoes. But now Zayn’s being all pissy and if Niall doesn’t fix it now, the dark haired boy is sure to be spreading his foul mood for the rest of the day.

“Put some shoes on loser, we’ll take a walk”

Niall still doesn’t look up from his laptop when he says it, not wanting to give Zayn the satisfaction, but he knows the other boy heard it as a moment later, Zayn’s standing up and heading to the entrance.

“You guys want to walk about with me and Niall?” He hears Zayn ask as he shuts his laptop and places it in the middle of the table.

The room erupts in a chorus of non committal grunts that both Zayn and Niall take as ‘no’s.

“Just you and me then” Zayn shrugs

“Yeah” Niall says, his voice slightly shaky because maybe this isn’t what he should be doing right now. He slips on his shoes and the dampness of his hands make zipping up his jacket increasingly difficult. He struggles with it until Zayn laughs and steps into his space. Niall’s eyes widen before Zayn swats his hands away and zips up his jacket for him.

“There” he says as he pats Niall’s shoulder.

Niall nods in appreciation before Zayn opens the door and they both step out.

“See you in a bit,” Niall calls into the flat as he closes the door. While Harry and Liam are preoccupied he finds that Louis is already looking his way, almost questioning. Niall doesn’t comment on it and Louis doesn’t voice the question on his face so Niall hastily shuts the door and runs ahead to catch Zayn in the corridor.

By the time Niall gets to him, Zayn’s got his arm stopping the lift so that he can rush in.

“So where are we going?” Zayn asks

To be honest Niall never really thought up to that point.

“Uhh…we can’t go too far since we don’t have any bodyguards with us…” Niall’s voice trails off as he realizes how rash of a decision he just made. He sincerely did not want to be caught in an unsafe,  _crowded_  situation in which they didn’t have the man power to get out of. Just as he was about to voice his concern Zayn shakes his head at him.

“Relax. You’ve got shades right?” Niall nods yes “Good. And we’ll take the back streets anyway”

Niall’s expression remains reluctant and Zayn looks at him for a moment before feeling around in his pockets and handing him a grey beanie.

“You can throw that on too” he says as he passes the hat to Niall before slipping on some shades of his own and pulling his hood on, tightening it around his head until his hair is completely covered.

“You look kind of ridiculous, mate” Niall snorts as they step out of the lift.

“That’s good isn’t it?”

Niall concedes with a toss of his hand and they exit the building.

Both boys recall the familiar route they used when avoiding the public and easily fell into step with each other.

The walk is silent as they winded around buildings and trees. Or at least until Zayn suddenly disappears from beside Niall with a short cry and Niall hears a thud less than a second later.

He looks down and sees Zayn on the floor. Naturally he erupts in a fit of laughter. Zayn’s hood is all messed up and only half on and he just looks generally ridiculous.

“Oh no, that’s cool man. Just leave me here yeah?” Zayn’s voice interrupts his chorus of gasps and snorts.

He wipes at the tears of laughter in his eyes and he really shouldn’t be laughing this hard, it wasn’t even that funny. But maybe it’s just the relief at feeling something other than heavy that has him howling all over again. He extends a hand towards his friend, still chuckling and suddenly finds himself facing the sky.

“Not so funny when it’s you eh?” he hears Zayn say from somewhere beside him.

And he still can’t answer because no, it’s even funnier now and he’s laughing, and laughing and his eyes are misty and his stomach is tight and he’s sure he must look crazy.

When Niall finally stops rolling around on the grass and sits up with a sigh he finds Zayn watching him, bewildered but amused. He’s starting to feel a little self conscious but then Zayn’s chuckling and shaking his head as he props his arms around his knees.

“You’re an odd one, aren’t you?”

Niall only smiles and shrugs. It’s getting late and they should probably head back soon, Niall’s just about to say so when Zayn continues.

“It’s good you know. It’s good. Been a while since I’ve seen you like this.” He turns his head to face Niall.

Niall’s not sure how he’s supposed to reply to that and he’s glad that he doesn’t have to since Zayn keeps talking.

“I mean you and Liam  _seem_ ” he stresses the word, just slightly, as he looks at Niall and Niall thinks maybe they aren’t fooling anyone but themselves (he also thinks that maybe Zayn should wear his hair flat all the time but that’s beside the point) “to be doing okay so that’s probably not it but it’s like you’re in a slump again and I don’t really know what to do to help you, you know?”

“I’m fine,” he says gruffly. But he knows he’s not and by the tired look on Zayn’s face, the other boy doesn’t seem to think so either.

Zayn shuts his eyes for a moment before getting up. “We should head back,” he says as he offers Niall a hand. Niall looks at it for a beat too long and he can tell that Zayn’s about to retract his hand and place it in his pocket so he quickly takes it and pulls himself up.

“Thanks,” he mutters. He means for everything of course but he doesn’t say so. He only stuffs his hands into his jacket as they begin the trek back home (his hand is ablaze and he shoves it deeper into his pocket, hoping to hide the glow that he’s certain must be radiating from it).

…

And it continues like this. With Zayn being too perfect for his own good and Niall feeling like he’s expecting too much from everybody. The days turn into weeks and turn into months and Niall feels like he just might drown in all the melancholy.

Eventually a day comes, as they commonly do, when he finds he’s had enough. He’s had enough of feeling the way he does and knowing the cause but denying it with all of his might.

He’s done.

He’s  _done_.

They’ve got an interview for some obscure magazine that he doesn't remember the name of the next morning and they’re all lodging in a hotel for the next few days.

While Harry and Louis share a room and Zayn’s got his own. Of course ( _of course_ ), Liam and himself are sharing. The rooms have got two beds each but everybody ‘knows’ that Liam and Niall will be sharing one.

The sounds of bed time preparation echo through the bathroom as the water spouting from the tap hits the porcelain sink and Niall scrubs at his teeth. He can hear the incongruent sounds of Liam flipping channels in the main room. He wipes his hands on the provided towel and steps out of the off-white room. Liam’s sitting with his legs stretched and his back against the pillows as he chuckles at an old cartoon (but his eyes don’t light up the way they usually do and Niall knows he caused it, he  _knows_ ). He’s clearly waiting for Niall to come to bed. Niall doesn’t know if he’s ready to do that (that pretending thing) right now.

“I’m going to head out for a second alright?” he says as he throws a hoodie over his tank top and slips on his shoes. He’s not really waiting for an answer but he nods when Liam mutters a faint ‘okay’.

He doesn’t really know where he’s going (except for that fact that he does) but he finds himself knocking on Zayn’s door (or at least he hopes it’s Zayn’s door. Knocking on the wrong door could not only result in an awkward situation but an ‘Oh my goodness can I please get a couple pictures? It’ll only take a second.’ He loves the fans but he’s really not in a ‘say cheese’ state).

He opens it, hair mussed and rubbing at his eyes.

“Yeah?” He mutters sleepily

Niall is rapidly re-evaluating his decision. “Oh. Wh-where you sleeping? I’ll just talk to you in the morn-“

“Niall?” Zayn squeezes his eyes shut and widens them again to shake off the sleep before he opens the door wider.

Niall nervously taps his foot on the ground for a moment before he enters. He sits down on the pristine bed, opposite the one with blankets strewn across it and takes a deep breath.

Zayn sits across from him pushing the blankets aside and folding his arms over his chest.

“Did you want to talk about something or…?”

Niall blinks and finds Zayn looking at him expectantly. He doesn’t feel like it’s been very long but sometimes time likes to slow dance when he gets lost in his mind.

He still hasn’t said anything because he’s not quite sure what it is he so desperately needs to say or how to go about it.

A moment later he spouts the first thing that comes to his mind in a voice too loud for the preceding silence.

“So I have this friend yeah?”

Zayn’s eyebrow quirks just slightly but he stays quiet.

Niall gulps “And-well he’s been dating someone for a while.” Zayn’s eyes spark with suspected knowledge but Niall goes on. “He’s not very… he isn’t very happy. And he doesn’t think the other person is either. He’s tried-“ he sighs at the memory “He’s tried to end it before but he couldn’t go through with it but he feels like he really needs to, now, you know? So um, he asked me for advice on how he should...go about the break up- but I’m not quite sure how he should do it either. So I thought I’d ask you.”

Niall gages Zayn’s expression, he looks conflicted but then tells him all he needs to know.

It’s over in just a few minutes but Niall commits the entire thing to memory.

“Thanks,” Niall says as he gets up and makes his way toward the door.

“No problem,” Zayn mutters.

Niall’s got the door open and has one foot in the corridor when he hears his name.

“Niall."

He turns back to see Zayn looking at him with a dejected expression.

“Just wait a while yeah?” He continues, “I wouldn’t want you to do something you end up regretting.”

Niall nods and quickly shuts the door behind him. It’s only when he nears his own door that he notes the fact that Zayn didn’t use the flimsy alias of the friend that Niall had created.

He enters his own dimly lit room and finds Liam already asleep on the left side of the bed. Niall slips off his shoes and tosses his sweater aside. He switches off the bedside lamp, finally bathing the room in total darkness as he lifts up the duvet to slip underneath it and he feels as if he’s committing the highest form of treachery. But Zayn said to wait for a while, to be sure, so he does (and that should be proof enough shouldn’t it?).

…

But he does wait. He waits until they finish their mini promo tour and return home. He waits until he’s back to sharing a space with someone who’s supposed to be his everything but is somehow falling short. And it isn’t Liam’s fault, God no, Liam’s done nothing wrong. It’s just, Niall’s wants have changed and it feels incredibly selfish to admit, even to himself, but he knows it’s the truth.

Today’s the day, he’s decided. Today he’s going to end it. He knows it’ll hurt at first but then it’ll get better. They’ll find people that are better for them (Niall thinks that it’s possible he already has) and they can finally stop being so fucking  _unhappy_  all the time.

Zayn’s words of advice play in his mind as he takes a breath and raps at their door (it isn’t going to be ‘their door’ much longer he reckons) with a loose fist.

A smiling but confused Liam opens the door and presses a chaste kiss to Niall’s hairline.

“I thought you weren’t coming back ‘til later?”

It’s true. Niall had told him he’d be out for at least two hours, a final time of reflection before he made a choice.

He had needed much less time than anticipated.

“Can we talk?” Niall chokes out the words that had been stuck in his throat

“Uhh sure, just hold on a second” Liam walks further into the flat, Niall following, and switches off the telly.

Liam’s oblivion only makes Niall’s task more difficult.

They’re sitting opposite each other now and Niall is scrambling to remember the words that were prominent in his mind just a moment ago.

“Um..ok. So.” He takes another breath “We-We’re not working the way we’re supposed to.”

“What?” Liam laughs, his lips quirked up but his eyes dimming in realization.

“We’re just-something’s wrong with-no. No there’s nothing wro-something’s _missing_ ”

“Niall, what are you saying?” All humor is gone from Liam’s voice and he’s looking intently at him. Giving Niall the chance to turn this around, to backtrack.

But Niall’s done that before and this time he’s determined. This needs to end and both of them need to stop being afraid of what that means.

“I’m saying-“ He stops to make sure his voice comes out firm and not as shaky as he feels “I’m saying that we should-no we need to break up.”

Liam just stares at him for a moment before his eyes gloss over with unshed tears, he throws his gaze to the wall behind Niall and attempts to blink them away before looking at him again.

Zayn had told him this would happen. Niall recalls the boy’s instructions and repeats them in his head as directions to himself.

 

_Cry if you need to, but I can’t stay to watch you. That’s the wrong thing to do._

Liam reaches for him, warm palms grasping his clothed arm.

 

_Touch if you need to, but I can’t stay to hold you. That’s the wrong thing to do._

Niall doesn’t have the heart or the strength to pull away because as much as he needs to do this, in no way does he  _want_  to. But he resists the reflex to wrap his arms around the other boy (Wrong thing to do).

“We don’t  _need_  to do anything, Ni.” Liam’s voice wavers and his aim for assertiveness escapes him.

“We do. We’re not good for each other anymore…I need something different”

Niall knows what he needs ( _who_  he needs) and the fact that he’s thinking of that right now makes him feel more ashamed than he has in a long time and he looks away from Liam.

Liam steps away from him, noticing the small action

“Or do you need some _one_  different?” he looks down, his voice lowering.

Niall tries to recover because he honestly doesn’t want this to be about that. There are so many other things wrong with them and he’ll be damned if he lets Liam think it’s because he isn’t good enough.

“No. Liam, this is about us not being happy together anymore,” Niall’s voice grows pleading.

“It’s Demi isn’t it?” He looks at him.

Niall starts to protest but Liam doesn’t let him.

“ _God,_  Niall before this started I asked you! I asked you so many times. Is there anything going on with you two? I said I’d be okay with it and you always said no. You said no!” His voice began to raise as he neared the last words.

Niall shakes his head. “It’s not about anybody else okay? I just want to be happy again, and I want  _you_  to be happy again.”

Liam scoffs but it isn’t filled with as much venom as his words were before. Niall knows why, because Liam knows it too.

 

_You know it oh oh you know it oh oh oh you know it, we both know it_

But Niall also knows that Liam isn’t finished and that he needs to leave soon before the last part happens. God knows that every bit of resolve he has will break at that. And he can’t let it happen, he won’t allow himself to tell that lie again.

 

_Talk if you need to, but I can’t stay to hear you. That’s the wrong thing to do._

_Cause you’ll say you love me, and I’ll end up lying and say I love you too_

“I’m sorry Liam.” He says as he opens the door. Because Niall really  _is_  sorry.

He’s already got most of his things packed up, a prerequisite to his final time of reflection and he’ll come by to pick it up when he knows the other boy won’t be home.

He feels like he’s in pain and he’s terrified of what this means for the future but above all that there is an overwhelming sense of relief.

 

_I need someone different. You know it oh oh you know it_

He somehow manages to make his way over to Zayn’s without hurting himself, the tears blurring his eyes.

He knocks and offers Zayn a sad smile when he opens the door.

“I did it,” he says

Zayn's eyes look sad as he shakes his head in what looks like defeat and opens his arms.

…

The breakup had made it hard for them to function at first. With specialized seating plans and the boys behaving in a reserved, almost confined manner. Even when they were left to their own devices. Group hang outs almost ceased to exist and whenever they did happen they were strained.

But eventually they work through it all somehow and they’re gathered in Louis and Harry’s apartment to watch a movie.

There’s a knock on the door and Niall jumps off of his seat to open it, eagerly awaiting their food.

Far from a pimply teenager bearing pizza, Liam stands before him.

“Hey,” he smiles. It’s a small one (it’s only been a month so Niall can’t really hope for more than that) but it’s huge for them.

“Hey man," he replies with a smile of his own.

“Liam?” Zayn’s voice sounds. “Vashapeniiiiiiiiin?” he emerges with a huge grin and envelops the boy in a hug.

Niall laughs and heads back inside. This was good.

This was really good.

…

They’re about halfway through the movie and Zayn’s got a smile on his face. Half remnants from the last spout of laughing and half in anticipation for the next time he will. Niall gets that it’s a comedy and all but no one seems to be laughing as hard as Zayn is. Most of everybody else’s laughter is less at the film and more at Zayn’s guffaws. Niall wonders if the dark haired boy might be a little high.

Right now he’s got his head tipped back and his eyes are squinted. His body is shaking with the force of it all and he kind of looks possessed.

(He also looks kind of beautiful)

He pulls his eyes away from the boy and directs his attention back to the television, catching Louis’ narrowed eyes on the way.

…

They’ve scattered themselves across the sitting room to sleep. Niall wakes up with Zayn’s elbow poking his side and he’s really got to piss.

He gingerly moves the boy’s arm and props himself up. His socked feet slide across the floors as he makes his way to the toilet.

He’s washing his hands and turning to leave when he finds Louis standing in the corridor. He startles and thrust a damp hand to his chest.

“You scared me half to death,” he breathes.

Louis only smirks and shrugs.

He shakes his head and looks over to where Zayn is, eager to get back to sleep. Louis follows his gaze and sighs.

“Niall.”

“Yeah?” He directs his attention back to the Doncaster native.

“Don’t…right now okay?”

“Don’t what?” he asks because he genuinely doesn’t know what Louis is going on about.

But then Louis looks over at Zayn and then back to Niall and Niall gets it. It must show on his face because Louis continues.

“Yeah. Just hold off a bit alright? At least for Liam’s sake”

Niall nods because that’s all he can manage and begins the short walk back to his make shift bed.

He lies awake for a while, staring at the ceiling. He had kind of hoped he wasn’t that obvious but then again Louis can be really observant. He doesn’t know how long he does it for or how disruptive his tossing and turning is but he hears Zayn’s muffled to ‘just go to sleep already’.

He does.

Fin

***

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, it seemed a lot better in my head. I got the idea during the summer on the plane ride to London when I listened to Doing it Wrong for the first time. Maybe the air pressure was messing with my brain…
> 
> Also I apologize for the breakup scene. I’ve never experienced an honest one in my life and I have no idea how to write it
> 
>  
> 
> **Anyway, thanks for reading :D**


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